Written in the evening of Wednesday, March 3rd, 1999...
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I'm just tired. When I get up in the morning to the sound of ringing phones and my buzzing alarm, I just can't deal with it. The alarm goes off and I ignore the phone until whomever is calling just gives up. My body refuses to go to school, yet I'm not ill. When I look at my textbooks and think of studying, I just have this overwhelming sense of dread. When I get emails from people, I don't answer them. I read them, but I never reply.
Part of me is kicking my ass for being so lazy. Why can't I just motivate myself to do stuff? I've got plenty of time. It's not that I'm out partying at every second, contrary to popular belief. Yes, I've turned 21 finally and have those wonderful rights of being able to walk into seedy establishments in the late hours to shoot darts, play some pool, dance to music, or belly up to the bar and do a little bit of uninhibiting with some alcohol. Is that my life now? Not really. Do I go out and drink whenever I can? Nope. Lately I've been frequenting a coffeehouse where I attempt to study. I'll order some Earl Grey tea, add lots of honey and sugar, find a couch or table, and open my books. Sometimes I just write or open a novel. When I do study, there's only one subject I can bring myself to even look at... and that's learning C++. It's by far the most important and useful thing I'm learning. To be honest, I'm seriously considering dropping a few courses and just keeping it and my other Tuesday/Thursday class. What would I do with all of that extra time? Well, I've got a few job prospects. It's time for me to touch base with reality again. And then there's my dating life... Boy, is that interesting. I'm seeing a few guys and keeping it nonserious with all of them. Or at least trying to. To say it's all nonserious is a bit delusional because that implies that I have no feelings for them. I really do care about a couple of the guys I'm seeing and even though it probably would never work out with them, we will always try to remain friends. But then again, friendships don't always last. People change. People hurt. People care too much or too little. Misunderstandings occur. Sometimes people just grow apart. It can happen overnight with no warning or it can be a subtle drifting which nobody notices until phonecalls and messages just don't get returned anymore. There is a nice thing about friends, though... You get to have a say in the friendship. It's not like a family where roles are assigned. That leaves a lot of possibilities of what kind of friendship you form. Of course, that also leaves a lot of room for royally screwing up. An old friend told me last weekend that one day you wake up and look around to discover a lot of your friends are just gone. That you can count the close ones on one hand and still have plenty of fingers left. I replied to him that it had always been that way for me. Now it's not, surprisingly. I used to have friendships that were extremely developed, yet easily discarded. That was high school. I never got really attached to anyone because I knew I'd be moving on. There were a few friends I was really close with. There were a lot of people who were acquaintance friends... people I'd talk to, but wouldn't do a whole lot with. Now I find myself reaching out more. My friends nowadays are plentiful. It's strange, but I've run out of places to put phone numbers of all of these peeps who want me to call them and get together sometime. But I'm not close to any of them. I have a few people I talk deeply with, but nobody I can truly bare my soul to. Nobody I can share my perception of reality with. I really miss that. So I'm struggling with what I want to do in life. Up until earlier I was really hurting. I just wanted to hide in my apartment and never leave. Of course, then I'd fail all of my classes and eventually I'd run out of money to finance my hermithood. So I was stuck between this part of me that said I was a lazy good for nothing who can't focus on anything simply because I'm feeling too much and that weepy side that can't do anything but cry and write bad free verse poetry. It's a tug of war that's been going on and I'm tired of it. What changed is that I talked to my little sister. She's really everything to me right now. She told me about how she was the only person in her class selected to attend the Young Writer's Conference and that her teacher had invited me too... because the story she wrote was about me and her. It's easier to be a good soldier and tough and all when you know someone views you as a role model. It's kinda scary, but my sister looks up to me and I have to set a good example. I love her and miss her dearly and it was great running up my phone bill this evening hearing stories of how she just pierced her ears and what she's learning in school. She's needing some help in math, but everything else she excels at. Nobody can even fathom how proud I am of her. I just wish I could spend more time with her... that we didn't live so far apart. I'm going to make plans to visit her soon. For the meantime I've got a lot of decisions which need to be made. There are classes to drop, a job to find, and a meaning to search for. Maybe there isn't a meaning, but I'm an idealist. Some say it's a tragic flaw, but maybe the true tragedy is never getting to see the world from a perspective like mine. I may get hurt because I open myself up or choose only to see the good in people, but it's a far more scenic path than that of the skeptic. Yes, this is a weird entry... and yes, it makes me sound like a borderline manic depressive person. As I started to write this, I felt a little bit better. The love of my sister helped me lift this weight that has been on my shoulders for over a week now. Sometimes I just need a bit of reminding that everything isn't as bad as it seems. |